You have seen the same previews 1000s of times. Why this team can win. Why that team can win. Strengths. Weaknesses. Matchups. Predictions. It is a formula so predictable that Mike Singletary tried to install it as the 49ers offense.
Here at Obstructed View Sports, we (hey, I can use that pronoun without it being a lie now!) are nothing if not fresh, so we are going to try to keep the previews interesting. We won’t stay away from those things above, since that’s obviously vital information, but don’t expect the typical bold title with the same rundown for each series.
Once again, Rob Morgus is chiming in, channeling this site’s colllective Ducks hate into a preview of their first round series with the Nashville Predators and breaking down ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTORS.
4. Anaheim Ducks – v – 5. Nashville Predators
I apologize for the non-humorness of that previous review. B’s-Habs is way too good to butcher with bullshit. This one on the other hand? We shall see.
When I drew this match-up my emotions were mixed. I’m obviously not a fan of the Ducks, and the Predators have gotten on my bad side mostly thanks to Jordin Tootoo. That being said this series, despite two pretty boring teams that no one cares about (tickets for games in Anaheim are $17 a piece right now), has an interesting story line for a few reasons.
First, this series features one of the best offensive lines in the league (Ryan-Getzlaf-Perry) going up against one of the top defensive corps and Pekka Rinne.
Second, this series has the potential to get very, very nasty. 10 year-olds coached by Barry Trotz and Randy Carlyle would be nastier and meaner than 90% of NHL teams. If one of these two had coached the Might Ducks, they not only wouldn’t have lost to Iceland, but they wouldn’t have taken that shit from Wolf “the dentist” Stanson (think slash to the knee).
Unfortunately, those are the only interesting aspects about these teams, and the battle is too close to call. Thus, I must rely on purely empirical data for my pick. For this study I have chosen a set of criteria that, according to my calculations, should determine the outcome of this series. The criteria are: comparisons to Las Vegas, proximity to Disney venues, music icons, quality of beaches, and of course, the ice girls. That will provide us with next 6 games. As Nashville won tonight, they start up one game.
Comparisons to Las Vegas:
This one’s got a couple of aspects to it. In terms of sheer proximity the obvious nod goes to Anaheim, but Nashville is known as the Vegas of the east. I think this has to do with their cost of living, but I’m not entirely sure. Oh, wait, no, it’s because it’s where rich, dumb people go to party. That’s right. Win Nashville. Score after Game 2: 2 – 0 Nashvegas.
Proximity to Disney
I couldn’t think of anything good, and this is obviously rigged, so proximity to Disney was a good way to give Anaheim a point. Disneyland is in Anaheim. Disney World is not in Nashville, and unless I am unaware of any recent developments neither is Euro-Disney World. Win Anaheim. Score after Game 2: 2-1 Nashville
This is actually quite a match up. Music is a big part of the culture in both cities and they both have excellent histories. Anaheim has Jeff Buckley, Gwen Stefani and a lot of great punk bands. Anaheim and Orange County were, and really still are, the Mecca of punk. Nashville has a similarly storied tradition. It’s common knowledge that Elvis got started in Nashville, but it is also the birthplace of country music. At least that’s what I took from watching the movie Country Strong. They also have Carrie Underwood and T-Swift. They’re pretty good. But honestly, I can’t choose between punk and country. They both have considerable merits. When we’re talking about the history, this one is really a toss up. But a budding sensation has turned the tide heavily in one direction. It comes in the from of a 13 year old girl. That’s right, IT’S FRIDAY. Oh, fuck it’s Wednesday. But the is still FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN. I think you get my point (if you don’t here’s a link. The acoustic is even better.). She sucks. And she’s from Anaheim. Win Nashville. Score after Game 3: 3-1 Nashville.
Quality of Beaches
Expanded the definition of Anaheim to include Orange County in the previous match ups. So for consistency’s sake I’ll keep it that way. Orange County has some of the best beaches in the United States. Nashville, while not really on the ocean has something they call a beach. It sucks. This one is easy. Win Anaheim. Score after Game 4: 3-2 Nashville
For obvious reasons this category is worth double with one point best girl and one for overall quality of the unit. The role of ice girls is two fold, and the Anaheim and Nashville girls are amongst the best in the league. The girls must be able to shovel the loose ice and sufficiently distract Craig Andersen. For more analysis, I will turn it over to guest writer CM Liotta.
It’s a battle of the blondes some might say—good ol’ country girls versus bleached blonde beach babes. Good-looking country singers like Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift call Nashville home while Anaheim houses many attractive girls (and moms) with daddy’s money to boot. With such an unexciting match-up on the ice, many viewers’ attention will be directed to the stands where the girls—what few there are amongst the empty seats—should provide more viewing pleasure than the actual hockey. Furthermore, every so often the ice will be filled with “ice girls” cleaning the ice during commercial breaks. Luckily for those true fans that can actually sit through this series, each team’s ice girls will offer some distinct attractiveness (although some are simply disappointing), so that’s what I’ll focus on. The Ducks have 14 girls compared to Nashville’s 9 which has to account for something, but quality is more important than quantity. However, Anaheim wins this category as well. Although Molly of the Predators is probably the best overall ice girl, the Ducks girls clearly offer more bang for your buck (and have cuter outfits), so the Ducks win in the Battle of the Babes. One win for each. Nashville wins in 7.
(Editors Note: I had to chime in here. The stands have to count for something too. Give me SEC sundresses over OC plastic surgery ANY DAY. You can get daddy’s money with trophy mom’s looks in plenty of places…OC has nothing on Fairfield, CT, and Marin, CA etc…It is my recommendation that in the future this should be worth a point.)
So the overall quantity (Game 6) goes to Anaheim, but Molly brings it home for the Preds in game 7. So you want my prediction? Honestly, I don’t really care. I hope these teams beat each other up and that Randy Carlyle takes a puck in the kisser. In the end I actually believe that my highly scientific method worked though. I see this going 7 games with Nashville coming out on top.