Explaining Torres

So Raffi got off. In a survey done by Darren Dreger, 8 of 13 GMs were expecting some sort of discipline. 4 of the 13 could not be contacted and 1 chose not to comment. I have to say I agree with the majority of these GMs. A lengthy suspension was definitely deserved, regardless of the location of the hit, “death valley” (the area behind the net dubbed ok for head shots). I’m probably giving the NHL way too much credit, but this is the only plausible explanation for the lack of suspension.

Classified:

The Torres Household

<Ring> <Ring>

Torres: What the hell is that? Is it the pizza guy? I’m gonna cold cock him and steal the pizza.

<Ring> <Ring>

Mrs. Torres: I think it’s the phone honey.

Torres: Ah, f***.

<picks up phone>

Torres: <sniffle> Uhh, Hello?

Voice 2: Hi Raffi, I think you know who this is.

Torres: <muffled> mother f***er <clear> Hi Mr. Campbell, I’ve been expecting you. What can I do you for?

Campbell: Raffi, can you tell me how much a polar bear weighs?

Torres: Uhhhh… c’mon Mr. Campbell, you know I didn’t pass grade 2.

Campbell: Enough to break the ice, Raffi. Enough to break the ice.

Torres: <sycophantic laughing> Oh my gosh Mr. Discipline Man, that is hilarious. You’re so f–.

Campbell: No it’s not Raffi.

Torres: Ask Brent or Jordan, I heard they both think everything is funny right now because they got KNOCKED THE F*** OUT! WOAH YEAH! RAFFI POWER STRIKES AGIAN! I END CAREERS! LET’S GO! <barely audible> please suspend me, if you don’t they’ll kill me.

Campbell: I’m glad you brought that up. The transition from the polar bear joke to the matter at hand is the toughest part about this job.

Torres: I just want people to like me.

Campbell: I’m sure you do Raffi. I’m sure you do. So I’ve taken several looks at your most recent, uh, discretion, and I’ve concluded that, while the hit took place in “death valley” behind the net, the nature of the hit is unacceptable.

Torres: <quietly> Oh thank God.

Campbell: <louder, over Torres> However, I have conferred with the committee and we have decided a different type of discipline is necessary for you. You have defended your previous actions, despite the clear unruliness of your behavior. It has become clear to this committee that a conventional suspension has not gotten the message across to you, so we’ve decided to be a bit more, uh, how should I put this? Creative.

BOOM! ROASTED!

Torres: I’ll stop, I promise. I was a bad boy. It won’t happen again. I’ll publicly apologize. I’ll do anything. Just suspend me.

Campbell: <over Torres> The NHL has decided that rather than to suspend you for an extended period of time, we will require that you play at least 15 even-strength minutes in the next 4 games. We feel that this punishment carries a double dose. We believe that your actions should hurt your team, who were stupid enough to sign and play you, and should carry some sort of personal ramification. By implementing the mandatory 15 minutes, you will undoubtedly do something stupid and cost your team the game. At the same time, there are some seriously p***** off men from Chicago, and one particular 6’3” 220 pound Western Canadian. We feel that rather than letting you take the cowards way out and allowing your teammates to stick up for you, we will let you fend for yourself. Don’t be surprised if we look the other way, should Brent Seabrook slip and insert his elbow through your temple. You have been warned.

<click> <dial tone>

Torres: I’m f***ed.

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